CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION

This one’s a story about a story. In March 1996, The Austin Chronicle published my first column. It was about the TV show, Baywatch. The column was, more or less, the transcript of my first-ever standup comedy routine, which I performed at an open mic night in Oklahoma City a couple of years before. I never did that bit again on stage and never thought of it as a publishable piece (mostly on accounta I had never been published) until an unexpected turn of events resurrected it.

In January of 1996, a friend of mine asked me to help him with a college writing assignment. And by “help him,” I mean “he paid me to write his assignment for him.” I got an A, so he hired me to write the next one, and so on. The fourth assignment was a “review of a book, movie, or television show.” I didn’t want to spend any time reading or watching something just for the sake of writing a review, for which I would only be paid $25, so I went in search of an easy way out.

And, once again, my desire to not work reaped lifelong benefits. For the life of me, I don’t understand why the rest of you suckers work so damn hard.

I dug the Baywatch bit out of storage, tweaked it a bit to suit a reading audience, and faxed it – yes, I said faxed it – to my friend.

A few days later he called me up.

“Hey, Lee. I was thinking…You might want to submit that article to a newspaper or something.”

“Oh, really? Why do you say that?”

“Because my professor said I should submit it to our school paper.”

Turns out the Baywatch piece was a big hit. Not only did it get an “A” (natch), the professor had my friend read it for the entire class, and did in fact suggest my friend submit it for publication. The prof even offered to “walk it over” to the school paper himself.

I encouraged my friend to resist temptation and not succumb to his baser instincts in pursuit of fame and recognition; that was my department.

So, I submitted the article to the Chronicle and the super-fabulous Margaret Moser called me up the next day to say she’d publish it. It was one of the all-time great phone calls I’ve ever received. Kandyce and I went out that night and celebrated that phone call until the wee hours. A few weeks later, when the column was published, we celebrated again. And when the check arrived in the mail a week or so later ($100! Woot!), we celebrated AGAIN!! All told, I think we spent well over $200 in celebration of that a $100 payday.

Fortunately, there were plenty of follow-up phone calls and $100 paydays – none of which we observed with remotely the same level of enthusiasm – which makes it slightly less embarrassing now that I went so overboard the first time.

The truth is, I’m a big believer in touchdown dances; milestones and achievements should be celebrated. The key is understanding that the celebration is for a moment which has already passed and that it won’t mean a thing if you don’t get back to work the next day.

© 2014 Lee B. Weaver

Oh--if you’re interested in reading the Baywatch piece, click here.